Pieces of me scattered all over the humid place called Dubai. I was once, Yes, once there was me. Now its all gone. All that’s left are regrets and it keeps me awake all night. I recently bought panadol night to keep me asleep. But even drugs doesn’t do me any good. I hate myself so much that I can’t even think straight anymore. What am I doing in this place anyways? I shouldn’t have come here. I wish I could still feel that excitement when i first step into this country. Now all I can think of is getting out of it.

I recently applied for my dream job, the kind of job I would always answer way back when I was little as I am asked what I want to be when I grow up. But of all the calls I should miss, why did I miss Qatar Airways call. I would have made it. I knew I would, I could. But it came to my inbox as a memory to regret for lifetime... MISSED Call received from +97126446666. A number when called back goes straight to Le Meridian hotel where I applied for a cabin crew.

This unfortunate event lead me to buy a new blackberry smart phone. Another bad move since I have been spending a lot lately out of my frustration. No savings made for the past 2 months. Being in a depressed state has made me go here and there. Places where I would normally end up spending. Spend, spend, spend.... what’s there left to do??? I am far from my home country, far from my family and best friend. I have so few friends over here. But they’re at 804, they work and also undergoes the same stress I get from work so what’s the sense of bothering them out of my troubles?

I’m dating someone now, but after a few dates with him, he apparently had to leave for China. He calls me once in a while, which really makes me smile for a bit at least knowing that he’s taking time to call from overseas. But this isn’t serious. He’s really kind, funny, rich, and bubbly to be with. The problem I’m seeing is he can’t handle my truth. I can’t seem to rely on him with my problems and heavy emotional baggage I carry. He doesn’t even know I have Denise. I bet he’d be out of the door as soon as I told him that. This isn’t a serious relationship type of guy. But he’s worth having now that I really down to the bottom.

I’m planning to go home this September... I really don’t know what I’m doing but one thing I’m sure of, I don’t like my job. Aside from the high pressure from colleagues, clients and Boss's, I really feel I’m underpaid... so what I do??? I give them the kind of job that their kind of pay deserves. I know I can be more. I can do more. But what’s the use? People don’t get what they deserve so better yet give them the kind of 4k work they deserve. With the current crisis I’m still thinking twice of going home though. I’m going to be jobless when I get to Manila. I don’t have the luxury of being jobless for months knowing I’m the breadwinner. God forbid that I go and buy a ticket this September, cause if I do, I might not comeback anymore. My mom says to stay for another few months or another year at least to finish my contract... let’s see where this will lead. All I know is September is just around the corner.