Its never been more clear, I DONT WANT TO WORK AT HOME. I thought I wanted it. 

Having to have stayed at home since Dec 22, I think I know each and every inch of the house. I want to go out. I want to go places. If not due to money constraint. I would have. I can’t get a job just yet as we have planned to go to Taiwan this March. If I get a job, I won’t be able to go. I want to go, as this is the first and hopefully not the last time that the whole family will go abroad. I am excited about this trip but I feel bad as I only contributed very little on this trip. Ate has shouldered the tickets and mostly EVERYTHING. 

To look forward to for my next job. Hopefully NOT a call center. I am sick and tired of having to take calls. I have been in the industry since 2004. Agent, TL, Manager then back to being agent again… like a little child who has lost appetite with milk, sinusuka ko na and call center life. To be fair, the industry has helped me a lot. If not due to it, I would have been working in supermarket and or department store right now… not that there is something wrong with it but I just don’t want to take calls anymore. 

Unlike before - I would rather be a small fish in a big sea than a big fish in a small pond. Ponds can be drained. And it drains every ounce of self confidence and self worth you have. I have never recovered. The bitterness is in my blood, in my soul. The bitterness has become ME.

I would like to be go out and have friends. Right now, I have not gone out of the house nor met any of my friends for a few weeks now. I have no one to talk to but  myself, my daughter, my sister, my mom and my dog. I hate to be seen by people at this low state. Even stepping out of the house to throw the garbage, I make my daughter throw it. I feel ashamed fo my self. 36, jobless, penniless, ugly short hair, ugly pimpled face. Useless and worthless. I hate me. 

I am writing this to remind myself —THE NEXT ONE HAS TO BE THE LAST ONE. LET IT BE GOOD. 

I envy Jenn and my sister, they had been with the same company for over 10 years now. I on the other hand, ended up to be a call center hoper. I hate what I had become. I hate me. I want to change. I want to change. 

I now shy away from Facebook and other social media. I don’t think it is helping at all with my depression. 

2018 - let this be a year of change.